Die

I cease to live

Flames to Dust

"Would I be out of line if I said I miss you?

I Miss You - Incubus

Hello, my name is Jemimah, and I am broken - to the core. I am usually dubbed as "the 40 year - old teen," for I never grasped and understood of the post-modern day teenagers' pleasures and joys. Maybe teenagers today and I have one thing in common, at least - music, but, that's all. Yes, I never did fancy texting; I never spent my "bored" time through social - networking whatnots; I don't take pictures of myself during my daily leisure, you get the point. I was rational - in other words, my motto was "mind over matter."

Not until three years ago. Never did the thought of me, in love, occur in my head. Never did I think that someone would love me - the ever so cynical critic - truly and sincerely; because I have long since accepted that I would never be the "in love" girl who is accepted for who she really is. Honestly, I have viewed myself when I was five as the successful woman type without any children nor a husband but with facade. I was bound to be alone (or that's what I thought.)

I stand corrected.

My Love courted me for five months - the most memorable months of my life when I really felt like a "somebody." Until we became a couple on March 26, 2008.

I was only 13, and he was about to turn 15 when he said "maybe we're marriage - bound," I smiled.

He was everything I ever wished for (I know I was 13 back then, but, I told you, I WAS AND AM very mature for my age.) - my best friend. He was the only person who understands my childish desires and my psychotic questions; he and I share the same music. Everything.

He was the part of my life who made my existence for more than two years euphoric. I couldn't imagine my life without him - the person whom I thought would grow old with me.

Until one day we realized, we were fighting destiny to glue ourselves back together.

We officially broke up today, on our second year, eight-month anniversary. He wanted to get his life back. (Oh the irony, he even thought out the marriage -bound thing!) He traded me over dancing and DOTA (?) I don't really know.

All I know is that I love him still (yes, yes, I know I am too young to be in love, but I definitely can identify love from infatuation!) and the hurt is killing me.

The best I can do at this point is wake up.

My life with him was everything I ever wished for.

Apathy

No more puff puff pasa + alcohol!

No, I Can't

Sorry chong pero hindi ako rebound material

Escape

All my life I had been shunned by people I want to be with. That's why I decided to be who I need to be just to get them to notice me. Until there came today, when I realized - I don't know who I am anymore. I got so busy with trying to impress others that I forgot how to be me.

Then my cellphone broke. That's when I realized that a day without gadgets is freedom. Without connection with my friends, I took advantage of my supposedly-text-full day and took the first step in getting to know the real me.

I ended up lost in my thoughts 'till midnight. Not a good sign.

Wrong

I got emotionally hurt in the church. Of all places.
I say to myself: "Control and refrain yourself!"

Oh, You Sweet Sweet Sweet Sacrilege!

Disclaimer: content is of much vulgarity.

There came a point (last last week) that I was totally bored to death. To not have an adventure for two weeks and no one to really talk to was totally irritating. Okay, so anyway, while I was alone with my thoughts, I questioned myself and every teenager: is cursing really necessary to express agitation, relief, hatred or grief? I don't know. No, not really, even though we all know that cussing can never really change a particular situation.

I, I admit, am guilty for speaking profanity for at least three fourths my teenage life - I can't even express my opinions without the word "fuck" in my statements sometimes. I just thought of it as essential to my everyday living. Well, most of those evil words blurt out of my mouth when the bitches are around (long story). I am so disappointed with myself for stooping into their level. I shouldn't. Nobody in the right mind should.

Urgh. I am such a bad Christian - choosing to let my wrath take over me when I should be living up to my title.

You can help me by praying for me to have the guts to eliminate this very unhealthy habit. :)

Note: I am not encouraging any of you readers to imitate what I do. I wrote this entry because I am confused.

Purpose. Finally!

I currently have perfect attendance in attending the Biblical small group. We have been studying the book of Mark (said to be the shortest of all books, yet, one of the most important), was uttered to be the book that states Jesus' baptismal, temptations, and dawning of ministry.

What came to me while trying to decipher ('cause the only Bible available was the New King James Version) the first chapters of the book was how the holy spirit works on John the Baptist. He is the person who you'd think was insane on the fist look. In an instant, John the Baptist inspired me to minister to my non - Christian friends what it's like to accept Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior. But then, I just realized that I can't. Well, at least not now.

My thoughts told me that in order to help non - Christians / non - believers to accept was that I need to understand the Bible much much more just so that I may be prepared for questions. (That will take a long time because my seriousness on obeying God was so sudden.) Even Trinity, I cannot fathom what ever explanation I get, which is one of the most ( I think) important details that every Christian should understand. Although fellow senior youth members say that it's alright, because even them cannot understand it fully, I can't help but feel flustered at myself.

So please please dear reader, I ask of you to pray with me that I may be one of the many "John the Baptists" of this post - modern world; that I may be careful and sensitive on my choice of words so as to incite them; and enough courage.

I long to fulfill my ulterior motive while I am young and able.

I really do hope that I will be an instrument of change of the Filipino youth, now that I have found my reason for living.

Stubborn

Long time no blog.

Yes. I am pretty much stubborned to write in this blog, given that my only weekend is on Sundays. Urgh.

College

The "mundane" College life was never bad as I thought it would be. It's just that I now have this freakin' stalker (he follows me everywhere); and 70% of my fellow students smoke in the campus (I wonder when my second - hand smoker days will end?)

It's not as bad as it sounds, yeah?

Almost There

I am almost there - in 16 hours, I will be an official college student.

I am a future Psychologist and wish me luck.

I am almost there - about to reach the beginning to my everything.

Passion and Pressure

I was eleven years old - naive, and filthy rich.

Back at my old church, my church mates even nicknamed me "The Rich Kid." Sure, I wouldn't deny that I had plenty of money then, but it definitely pissed me off to be addressed like that. Turned out they were just after the cash, not friendship.

Three years later, I was still stuck in that church and I just couldn't take everything and everyone - filthy back stabbers, etc.. Miraculously, (he) invited called and invited me to this church that is, fortunately, a five-minute drive away from my house. I knew that convincing my parents to leave my "home" church would be tremendously hard, no doubt about that. Thankfully, after thinking it out, they told me was what matters most was where I was happy, and where I belonged.

Finally, freedom to befriend anyone - since I am completely aware that none of the youth in my new church supported thievery and back stabbing!

After a few weeks, attending in PCF made me reach the extent of euphoria. This was where I served my Savior by playing the bass guitar in the youth band once a month. Everything was so perfect.

Not until last last week. I found out that (he) was chosen to be the praise and prayer youth leader. I was totally pissed off, honestly. Bearing in mind that it was I, who taught (him) everything about my favorite instrument, and (he) gets the glory? I felt like Usher (yes, the one who sang "Love In This Club" or "Let It Burn") who was defeated by his student Justin Beiber in the charts. Of course, I should've felt proud, but, I felt like being in this church was my chance to shine (not the money) - to be crowned the title "leader" for the praise field, which I thought I deserved.

Then I realized my motives were wrong, very wrong indeed. I observed (him) play the bass just to decipher WHY THE HELL they picked (him) instead of me - and that was because of (his) passion. And this "passion," I never possessed upon playing my instrument. I got obsessed instead in finding what I can do so well and to hone the skill more - and make myself known for it. I was searching my way into a title that tells those people that I can also be loved for who I am and what I can do; not what I have.

Now I am so absorbed in my thoughts on what I'm passionate about. As of now, I am definitely clueless. To seek and acuminate it is my goal. Someday I would be a leader like the rest of them (in the right motive this time).

All for my Savior.

Farewell

March 25 2010 - a tear inducing day; and the date on which I was officially declared a High School graduate.

Never in my whole life did I enjoy attending graduation ceremonies. No, not with me on the stage with hundreds of people staring! I didn't favor it much that I even considered not to take part. If I could just drop by the office and just simply get my diploma, I thought.

It was after the ceremony when the words: we-will-not-be-together-again-daily started to sink in. My "twin," Maxine; my seat mate, Jonix, who would effortlessly make me laugh; my partners-in-crime, Bea and Frances, whom I usually share my latest favorite music; my Rockband playmate, Jino; my best-est friend in the whole world, Ben, whom I could tell almost everything; The STER Clan - Ben, Aidan, Daniel; Raymund, who never fails to make my day; and everyone. Yes, I can't believe I'm saying this, but definitely I will miss everyone, even those irritatingly peevish, mischievous and noisy classmates.

(Thank You, God. Thank You for making my mom buy me the graduation gown so early. That way, I was obliged to attend the event!)

That day made me open my eyes and see how fortunate I am to belong in my batch - batch Twenty-ten of JASMS Quezon City.

I will miss you.

Slumber

During my kiddie times, I didn't really appreciate the beauty of sleeping. I would usually wake up as early as 5:30 AM just to watch the television, or race my brother to the computer. My parents usually tell us to enjoy sleeping while we can. Their constant ranting about our duration of sleep bothered me because at that time, we have never been much a fan of it.

It was just two years ago when I understood what my parents meant. During school days (especially during my senior year), I scarcely got enough sleeping time due to the extra projects, home works and reports. Now that it's summer, I could get as much sleep as I want! (..or that's what I thought.)

With Election Day nearing, there's nothing to expect but the noisy parade of cars and the disturbing "vote me" music of the campaigners invade the streets as early as 6:00 AM.

As of this month, I am usually woke up by the campaign music of either Manny Villar's "Ang Tunay Na Mahirap" or Mike Defensor's. Yes, it is pretty disturbing. ~Noise Pollution month/s.

SLUMBER, I CRAVE FOR MORE SLUMBER.

When will I ever get my fancy sleep?

Too Bad

Yes. Too bad, I was born with only two middle fingers. For you, that is.

Speculate.

I am currently questioning myself on how much longer will I have to "get along" with the know-it-all. Known for his ignorant remarks, he's (yes, he's a he) never failed to ruin anyone's day - daily.

The insolent little know-it-all ruined my "First ever non Monday-so-blue" day. Sucks when you're obliged to be with someone you really don't want to waste your time with. SO DON'T EFFING COMPLAIN IF YOU THINK I AM "HOSTILE" YOU IDIOT.

So.. why do I let this ignorammy guy ruin my last day of my senior year? I don't know. I guess I am not as cretinous as him.

I just don't know until when will I stand the everyday sermon from him on how to live my life. I'm tired of the daily rants on how he cannot understand why I buy and collect useless stuff like the glorious Moleskine - and how I just doodle my usual "crap" in there (he says).

I say to you: every artwork has its own genre. Unfortunately for you, you have only seen the usual anime-ish, cutesey-patootsey drawings. (Well, I'm sorry if my kind of art is "porn" to you.)

So here's a question for you, Mr. Imbecilic: why would you waste your precious cash on some Ragna prepaid card or some other lolwut? For satisfaction, right? Same thing with me. My moleskine, it makes me happy. It keeps me away from your nasty snide comments. I will never understand why you waste your money on some stupid online game. All the same, you don't understand why I like spending my cash on what you say "worthless buys." We're on the same page, you see? ...and I thought you were so good in analyzing stuff.

He's the one who frequently rants about my crap and hurt my feelings. All of a sudden he tells me that I don't have the right to talk to him. Bull.

Wish me more patience, dear reader.

≠ Fun

Hello there. I have a busy week ahead. I am currently dying 'cause of my still-non-existent baby thesis to be passed tomorrow. Yes, I am such a procrastinator. My brain is on its way close to malfunctioning right when I need it. I really don't want to disappoint my group mates.

I am preparing for Hell Week (which starts tomorrow). Classes are back on tomorrow ang the Science week will begin. Oh hopefully I am one of the 10 students in our class who will be chosen to be exempted in our following long test.

At present, I am also suffering from this ginormous emotional pain that results to my being psychotic.

Petiks

It was my best friend Ben's 16th. We spent the day doing the act of petiks, which we love. We ate rhum cakes to celebrate. Unfortunately, the trip to The Grand Amihan and Mankind was cancelled.

Happy Pre-Valentines!

Went to TriNoma after school with friends. Then ze boyfriend surprised me with a staedtler pen set; sharpie metallic marker; and gold poster paint. I received the gifts I wished for.:)

CHAMPIONS. Seniors All The Way!

January 27 2010.
We won.